I've really been struggling with a lot lately. So much that I want to put in words but I can't yet seem to find the right words.
However, last week I was listening to a CD about Thomas. When we think of Thomas from the Bible, I am sure I am not the only one who thinks of DOUBTING Thomas. As single parents we all have doubts and fears that don't go away just because a well meaning pastor or friend quotes scripture. Does the doubt and fear we face mean we are out of God's will? While it can be a symptom, it is not always the case.
With the next few blogs I would like to address several areas of fear and doubt that we as single parents face. In doing so, I am hoping we can "walk" hand in hand with each other and understand we are not alone.
I hardly think I am the only one who would put the fear and doubt of money at the top of the list. Money is a struggle for a family that has two bread-winners much less a single parent. God tells us to not worry about tomorrow and there are times when that is enough, but then there are times, like the present, when even though I know the right answer, my mind is racing and my heart is pounding because I am actually afraid. All this fear stems from a little tooth.
Before I had children I did not have any cavities at all. I brushed my teeth and took good care of them. My top teeth were crooked, but I did my best. Approximately 8 years after I had my three children, I got my first cavity. Well to make a long story short, I got a cavity in between my front teeth. I could never afford the dental insurance that could actually make a difference but I finally saved a little money, broke down and went to a dentist. The dentist filled the tooth and life went on until Saturday night, I was eating dinner when the tooth fell apart and came out and immediately the tears began to fall. Now I cannot talk to someone without covering my mouth and I am also having a hard time pronouncing some words. All I can see is the amount it is going to cost to have the tooth replaced and the years it is going to take me to save up the money.
I know a "good" Christian would pray and trust God and I have prayed and I do trust God but I still find myself crying and worrying because I know in myself there is no way I am going to be able to get this problem repaired for years. If God and I could sit down and map out exactly how and when He was going to take care of this problem, I would be fine. I am a person that likes to know what is going to take place and when.
Why am I telling you this? Why don't I just give a devotional and go on with life? I think that is what is wrong today, we are too ashamed to let anyone know we have doubts and fears. We are too ashamed to let anyone know we do not have all the answers, thus, we keep it bottled up inside. God understands our fears, doubts and weaknesses. When Thomas doubted, Jesus did not raise His voice and say, "Thomas, I am not going to repeat myself again!" When He rose from the dead He did not appear to Thomas and say, "See, I told you so! You should have listened to me!!!" No, He lovingly showed Thomas His hands and with compassion told him to touch the nail prints.
I write this as a single mother who has worries and fears over where money is going to come from but I also write this to encourage anyone reading this who may be hiding in shame the fact that they too know the right answers and yet have fears and doubt. You are not alone. I will pray that God will answer your prayers and sooth your fears and doubt, I ask you do the same for me.
